Closing night.

Tonight was the last night of the Grange Fair.  And as the week ended, I was 0 for 5 in the world of pierogies (insert sadface here).  Some back story, there is a place at the fair that sells the most amazing pierogies (or so I've heard).  I've tried to get to the stand before they sold out each night that I was at the fair.  No luck. Yesterday, I thought for sure that I would have pierogies for dinner but I could tell by the lack of a line in front of the stand that Grange Fair pierogies were not on the menu for me this summer.  I guess that if going pierogi-less for a day is the extent of my tragedy for the weekend, I'm doing well.  

The moon was just gorgeous last night - I really wish I could fix these photos so that they were a little smaller and that I could actually insert them into the text.  Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't.  I just need to figure out what I am doing differently when I am able to access the menu to adjust photo size and location.  

So off I go for an hour before church, to work on my chicken coop.  Not my chicken coop really although with the blood, sweat, tears and colorful language used on it, I feel as if I should move into it.  Pictures to follow.  

Work, work, work.

I have some awesome helpers.


Leslie and Cindy are incredibly helpful as I am trying to make a new chicken coop. 

They taste test the tools, the wood, the wire, everything.   I never feel lonely when I’m outside.  Tonight though, they pretty much ignored me.  Apparently they find my cursing at the chicken wire to be offensive.

If my little longhair cat Dirt isn’t following close to my heels then Casper is jumping and dodging, trying to nip my hand or my butt – apparently this dance is code for something only he knows. I estimate that of the time I've spent so far on this coop, 50% has been looking for tools and things, 49% has been chasing animals off of, away from, and out of, 1% (if that) has been spent actually working on it.

But I shall persevere in spite of my helpers......if only they had opposable thumbs.  

One Day.

There is a poem I love, by Mary Oliver that pretty well sums up my feelings right now. Changes are a'brewin'

The Journey

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do--

determined to save

the only life you could save.

--Mary Oliver

Life's a beach.

And it really was – is.  I’m reading the book ‘Can’t Wait to Get to Heaven’ by Fannie Flagg.  If you’ve never read Fannie Flagg, you need to grab a copy of one her books right now, take the afternoon off and read it.  Especially if you are feeling down.  There is something so simple about this book yet it isn’t simple at all.  It is one of those books – just like ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ or ‘Redbird Christmas’ or  ‘Welcome to the World, Baby Girl’ –that makes you feel like family. You live in the book.  Or at least I do. 

At this time in my life when I’m not quite sure how to feel, it’s always so nice to have my books.  

Shifting winds.

   





Today on my lunchtime walk, I couldn't help but notice the subtle change in the air.  I realize that it is still the middle of August but the weather today at noon was a reminder that summer wasn't going to be around forever.  Soon it will be sweatshirt weather - my favorite time of year. I look forward to autumn like so many people do.  Autumn is the most fleeting season - kind of a blink between the heat of summer and the freezing weather of winter.  Like a vacation, I think autumn is loved because we know it is only for a short period of time.  

This fall will be so different.  This will be the first year in a long time that the house will be quiet.  I've had kids in my home for 33 years.  My youngest son  will still be at home.  But he has a million projects that keeps him outside much of the time.  He doesn't need me for rides to and from practices or to the movies or to a friend's house.  He won't be wanting to go to Friday night football games with me although he did say he would go if I wanted him to go.

I'm excited to see what this new season brings.  Not only for me but for my daughters and my sons because it seems that they all are experiencing changes in their lives.  I know there will be times of melancholy for us all as we think about the highlights of the past but there will be good times ahead.

Something stinks more than the candidates for the upcoming election.

 Namely, my dog.  He stinks more than the politicians that I see/hear from every news outlet imaginable.  Hmmmmmm.  I take that back.  He doesn't smell that bad.  

Why, oh why, does Casper need to dig up and roll in the nastiest, most vile substance known to mankind?  He doesn't care for baths but he has had at least eight in the past two weeks!  I feel like I need to fumigate the house because my little Yankee candle isn't overcoming the stench.

In other news, Daisy the duck and her eight ducklings have totally ditched me!  All those late nights and early mornings going out to make sure that they were all snug and safe in the barn.  All the special treats of dog food.  All the hours of worry that the fox hadn't killed them.  All for naught.  That fickle, feathered fowl left me for the greener grass in the next yard.  How much loss can one person take?

This is it.

The last morning of vacation. I don't know if there is a sadder feeling - more for the day-long drive back home though. I'll miss this vacation spot - it will be hard to go back to work on Monday but it has been a great week.  I feel rejuvenated!  Sitting on the porch,spending time doing nothing with my mom and daughters, having no schedule, being able to boogie-board........it doesn't get better than this.  And the fact that it is only one week of the year makes it even more precious.

So it will suck rocks getting up tomorrow morning NOT at the beach and it will suck even  more to get up Monday morning and have to make myself presentable.  But I am thankful because not everyone gets to spend a week at a beautiful beach, in a beautiful beachhouse with plenty of food, an amazing porch, comfy rocking chairs...... and I am so thankful.

See you again next year!

Getting used to things.

So I'm slowly getting used to the idea of my daughters heading off to college.  In all honesty, the thought of having a sewing room is very appealing.  And I'm making plans for my little farm and for my life.  For the past 33 years, I've had young children with me.  For over three decades, I've been driving kids to various practices, cared for them when they were sick, scheduled doctors appointments and dentists appointments.........worried about whether I was too protective, not enough of a friend.  And now, I'm down to one.  My youngest, who seems to be pretty self-reliant and independent.

It is going to take some time, getting used to being just me and my little dog.  And the goats and the chickens and my garden. And the pony and the duck.  It is going to take some time to get used to the fact that I can sew in the middle of the night without waking anyone and that there really isn't any reason for me to come straight home after work.  No one will be waiting for me.

Maybe I'll get a second, part-time job and save for a train trip out to visit my oldest son or that quilting cruise to Ireland.  Maybe I will read all of those books that I've been wanting to read.  Maybe I will, I should, finish the quilts that I've started.  I can get up early in the morning and run.  I can run at midnight if I want.  Which I don't but I could.  This will be a whole new life for me.  My and my 'little' boy, who will be graduating in another couple of years.  I'm sure there are still some tears left to shed but I'm feeling better about the changes.

What I am.

So while doing a little spring clearing out of my desk this morning, I found a collection of photos of my kids throughout the years. Looking at pictures of all five of my kids from years ago, makes me more than a little nostalgic. All of those Hallmark cards are right. The little things are the big things – I know that now. Babies grow up in the blink of an eye – I didn’t believe it when I was dealing with dirty diapers and crying and spitup, but it is true.  I miss every last bit of it. Nonetheless, I am trying so hard to be forward looking, full of happiness and anticipation of what my daughters’ and sons’ futures hold.  I know that I have done many things right as a mother.  But why am I constantly remembering all of the things I didn’t do?  While my two oldest were growing up, I was attending college and working.  And I thought I was being so noble because I was gaining an education.  What a waste! A better use of my time would have been being satisfied with all the opportunities I had without those degrees and simply spent time with my kids.  Education is great. But there are so many ways to be educated and not all require attending a school, completing assignments, and being graded.  

What I love to do is sew and work with my garden and animals.  I’m better at those things than I am at anything else. How ironic that I can’t get any better at it because I’m too busy working a job that although I love, anyone else could do just as well.  And where did I learn to sew? And where did I learn about gardening and animals?  I learned to sew from my grandmother – for free.  I learned about gardening and animals by trial and error and through books – also free (more or less).  I’ll be paying off my student loans forever.  And will never be able to leave my job because of that.  So in summary (in case I wasn’t feeling crappy enough about this), I sacrificed my time with my kids to pursue an education in a field for which I’m not well-suited which takes time away from who and what I love and to top it all off, I’m paying dearly for it.  The American dream.  Blah.

BUT. Unlike so many people in the world, I had the choice. I made choices that at the time I thought were the right choices but in retrospect, can see that I should have thought things through a little more.  Even now, I have a choice.  We always have choices. But what we don’t have is a crystal ball to see how the consequences of those choices pan out.  Ugh. I need a nap.

Compassion

My daughter was telling me about a recent conversation that she has with her 8 year old son.

He was talking about wanting to “make the world shine”. He told his mom that he was going to invite a child to play with him that does not have anyone to play with and take a plastic bag on their evening run to pick up trash. He  told his mom that “even people who do bad things have love in their heart, they just need to find it and everyone is perfect even if they only have one eye in the middle of their forehead, or no eyes, or no mouth, or no face at all, they are all perfect”. 

So that tells me a couple of things. First off, his mom has done a pretty good raising him and I know her mother personally - she's no gem.  Second, kids are way more compassionate than adults.  They just have less power to demonstrate their compassion.  It is sad that when we are older and have the resources, we just don't care enough to do anything about anything.  Well, that is true of many people anyway.  I think the world is going to be a better place because of my grandson. If he can just hold on to his desire to be kind, the world will be blessed.

The other day I went for run during my lunch hour.  I've been trying to change my stride a bit so that I don't shuffle so much (I am a huge shuffler).  I was heading back to campus and I was trying to be conscious to the comparison between picking up my feet, which I had been doing, to my current gait, which was shuffling.  And I tripped over a change in the sidewalk. Fell on my knee, my wrist and my shoulder.  But I popped back up because my biggest hurt was that of my pride.  But.....there were two adults also walking down the sidewalk toward me - about 15 feet away.  They clearly saw me because it was a grand fall and a terrific recovery. And did they acknowledge me? Did they ask if I was alright? Anything? No! Nothing. I would be willing to bet that had it been two college-aged students walking down the street, they would have asked immediately.  I've witnessed over and over, the kindness of students on campus.  True, there are many rude, uncaring students but for the most part, they are truly kind humans.  

And what is my role in this? I need to be sure that I am the kind of person I want other people to be.  Which is difficult.  Because sometimes, I'm just not in the mood to be pleasant and caring and kind.  Being aware is the first step and changing my behavior is the next.  To quote a very important person in my life, I want to help make the world shine.

The small stuff.

It's a little bit cold here in central PA.  Which is a matter of perspective because actually, it feels just right to me.  It is perfect weather to curl up in a blanket with a mug of tea and revisit my childhood for just a little while. And since I started running again, a few shortbread cookies would not hurt either!

Every once in a while I think of myself as being a jerk.  Well I must not have been too bad - my sweet son who I didn't think read my blog, surprised me with these books today.  This has made my day.  Being able to retreat back into some warm memories of a time when I didn't have too much to worry about will be a welcome respite from these two weeks of anxiety aka last two weeks before my daughters graduate.

It has been a weekend.  I typically do not cry and by cry, I mean sob.  Depression does that to you - or at least the medication to treat the medication does that.  But in what was probably not the best timing for this decision, I decided to forego my depression meds.  I've always been able to tell when the depression is creeping back and have always made the good decision to take medicine when needed.  But I'm thinking that it is time to give my brain a rest.  So back to crying.......it was good, really good, to cry.  It started Saturday evening and finally ended around noon on Sunday.  And I was wiped out. I went to church, and cried. I played the piano at church, and cried.  But I feel so much healthier now.  I don't think it will be the end of the melancholy and the crying but I think I have a handle on it.

When my son graduated, I remember listening to Five for Fightings' ' 100 years'. Over and over.  Because, apparently, I wanted to tear my heart out. That lasted for two weeks pre-graduation and a fog of sadness persisted for a few weeks after.  Because I really missed him.

But he turned out well - as, I'm sure, his sisters will.  I know he turned out kind and good.  He sent me Raggedy Ann and Andy.  He gave me some of my childhood back. I love you Ryan.