|Coca Cola tablerunner|
|Block one of my son's wedding quilt|
|Coca Cola tablerunner|
|Block one of my son's wedding quilt|
Today would have been my mom's 88th birthday. She made it to her 87th but no further. For her birthday last year, I called her and played a few of her favorite songs on the piano. She always wanted to listen to me play the piano at church so playing for her over the phone was a lame compromise. My piano at home is very out of tune and for some reason, I don't play as smoothly at home as I used to at church. Luckily, it turned out that her telephone concert was good not only for a listen, but for a couple laughs too!
For her birthday this year, I would have been able to spend time with her. Because of the pandemic, that wasn't possible last year. I believe though, that she is having an amazing birthday this year having been reunited with my dad, my grandparents, aunts, uncles, and a large majority of her friends.
How do I feel today? A little melancholy I suppose. I really miss her - I really miss both my parents. But I'm tired of crying. I feel like I'm crying about everything these days. Everything just hurts SO much! I'm tired of looking back over my life - I'm ready to look ahead but I'm not sure what for. I'm so tired of living my life in front of a computer screen.
Boots the cat - is what I have left of my parents (aside from my brothers, of course). I can still remember when my dad brought home this scrawny little kitten soooooo many years ago. Someone had dumped it at my dad's office, the day after Thanksgiving. I think that if my dad hadn't found Boots, she surely would have died. Boots lived a very nice, very long, and very comfortable life with my parents. She had the option of hanging out in their backyard watching the birds from the deck or staying in the house and sleeping anywhere she liked. Boots is now living with my daughter and her 2 kids, 2 dogs, and 2cats. Boots spends her days inside sleeping where ever she wants to sleep, her favorite place being on my daughter's lap. Boots has probably had more baths in the past few months than she has ever had in her previous 101 years! Boots also sports a very feminine cat collar!
So as life happens, the family is dwindling. It is sad to see people go but that is what happens and no amount of crying or worrying is going to change it. I think it is important for me to keep that in mind and to enjoy every single day.
Added 4/28: I'm so glad that a few years ago, I decided that it was alright to feel sad and that I didn't always need to be happy. Today is a better day!
On this rainy day, I am sew thankful for:
|Me - in dog form|
Here is a link to a video of an interview with Robert Frost about a decade before his death:
From the outside, my house doesn't appear to be much of anything. There is work to be done - lots of work! It doesn't exactly appear dilapidated but, like I said, it is clear that there is work to be done. Now the inside - I LOVE the inside of my home - every bit of it. I have 4 dogs and 5 cats in the house. Not everyone's cup of tea but it is mine. But my most happy spot is my kitchen. I have a happy red formica table with 2 cheery red chairs (and a few other mismatched chairs in case someone stops by). When we first moved into the house, there was just one standard sized window in my kitchen/eating area. My husband and father-in-law replaced that with a huge bay window. The window is one of the highlights of my happy place. I can see our church out that window as well as the very, very old local cemetery (odd, I know but I love living near a cemetery). I can see 3 huge pinetrees, a forsythia bush that has been here since way before we bought the place, a rambling rose bush, and many, many birds.
|Have you ever seen such a comfy cat?|
|A Coca Cola radio that my youngest son and his wife-to-be gave me.|
My first memory of Coca Cola was sitting at the little restaurant beside the original Hanna's Hardware store. It was such a big deal! It was just me and my dad and he bought me a sandwich and a bottle of Coca Cola. I can't remember what we were doing other than going to the hardware store and probably visiting my grandma who lived nearly next door but I remember that I loved every single minute I ever spent with my dad. To this day, I love Coca Cola in glass bottles and anything Coca Cola related. Which takes me.....
...back to my kitchen. My favorite spot.
|Step one of a tomato pie|
I bought myself a new stove. One that I chose that has features that I want. I love to bake - I really do. My only wish is that someone (other than me) would eat it. Many times I will take half of whatever I made and take it over to my future daughter-in-law's grandparents - it really makes me happy to do it. Back when we had church dinners, I looked forward to making something yummy and sharing it with the church members.
But I haven't been to church. It's been open since the beginning of September and haven't been there to attend or to play the piano. I don't know when/if I will ever go back. I'm angry but I really haven't decide with whom I am angry. I'm kind of mad at God. So many horrible things this year and then I found out this morning that my cousin's 4 year old granddaughter has leukemia. I can't even say how I feel. I'm not close to my cousin and I'm not close at all to my cousin's son which doesn't make any difference whatsoever. There is a hurt baby and her mom, dad, sister, and brother. Knowing this breaks my heart. The only thing I can do is make her a quilt and that is so incredibly lame but I know that for so many people, including myself, there is comfort in knowing that other people care and that other people wish they could share the burden.
So am I mad at God? I don't really think so but when my mom died unexpectedly, not a phone call, not a note, nothing from my pastor or other church members. On the other hand, my co-workers were Johnnys-on-the-spot and sent messages - just something to let me know they cared.
I don't know. My feelings are all over the place. Mothers and fathers have been dying forever and what I am experiencing is not unique. I need to accept that I feel sad, lost, like I don't matter. Maybe when I drag myself out of this suck-hole of grief, I will commit to try and never let anyone else feel that way.
This is what my mom would call a 'pity-party'. She would be right. But it is my blog and I can whine.
|I love the view from my deck!|
|Apparently Thimba also loves tea!|
It has been a rough few days. My father-in-law had a heart attack early Thursday morning. Thankfully, 2 stents later, he is back at home. I wonder if any of us will ever not feel anxiety when the phone rings? It seems as if a phone call only brings bad news these days.
Saturday my daughter, sister-in-law, and I started to empty my mom's house - well, her kitchen. We didn't get too much done except divvying out the canned goods and other food because there was another showing early that afternoon. We will have to get up there and really get cracking - especially if the house is sold soon.
I'm so tempted to just say that 2020 absolutely sucks but that's not entirely true. I'm thankful that my brother made it through a medical issue that could have really been fatal. And even though my heart is broken because of the death of my mom, my brothers and I have really bonded and it has been nice to be in regular communication with them.
I'm thankful that Pappy Decker returned a month after he 'broke out' of an upstairs window. I'm thankful that after several months of self-imposed isolation, Thimba has decided to rejoin her feline brother and sisters.
There are a lot of other things to be thankful for and somedays it is easier to remember than other days.
Oh yeah, it is! Give or take a few days. But then, this was written 16 days ago! So now we are even closer to Halloween! The flowers in ...