At my window.

Pappy Decker - missing since 5/24/2020

I'm still here. Still working from a 6' x 6' space in my bedroom. 

I've seen a lot of things in my 10 weeks in this space: a new fence being built by the neighbors across the way, 2 working horses being delivered to this new pasture, a barn being built, 3 people buried in the graveyard across from me with one of those people being the husband of a friend. This friend is in a nursing home and was unable to attend the burial in fact, there were only 5 people at the burial.  I didn't know that it was going to be this morning and I watched while being present in a zoom meeting that talked about how it was very likely that I will still be in this space months from now.  I'm really hoping that the 4th graveyard burial will not be a friend of mine who I just found out, was placed on hospice over the weekend.

Last Sunday, my kitties knocked out a screen that I hadn't secured and escaped.  Mrs. Bobbins was sitting right outside the window, Oreo was waiting for me on the deck, and Thimba was hiding - terrified - in the weeds beside the deck.  But no sight of Pappy Decker.  We've talked to all of the neighbors and everyone in the valley knows that he is missing.  He's such a friendly, happy cat that I'm just afraid that someone thought he would make a good pet (he would!) and decided to take him for themselves.  As much as I want him back, I just want him to be happy wherever he is. 

Right now the wind is whistling making my curtains flutter and blowing the American flags adorning the Veterans' gravestones to attention. It is sad and beautiful at the same time.

Unsettled is how I feel.  Not sad, not happy, not apathetic, just unsettled. On the surface, things are starting to feel the same but they really are not the same, nothing at all. I feel helpless - that's what I feel.  It is hard to talk to someone who refuses to listen or listens from only their perspective.  I certainly don't know how it feels to be automatically assumed guilty or dangerous or deceptive simply because of my color.  I know how it feels to be assumed to be stupid and irrelevant because of my gender and my age but I don't think that compares.  Why protest? Protest, not riot.  Because if we don't, it is assumed that we are all ok with discrimination and racism.  And we are not ok with it, we are not ok at all. 

My gosh. All I want is for us all to quit killing each and hating each other.  That, and I want my cat to come home.