Finally the sun is shining. It feels as if it has been weeks and weeks of only grey, dreary skies. I know that's not true but its amazing how just 2 or 3 days of greyness can feel like forever. I love Christmas but there is something to be said about getting back in the routine of work, babysitting, and other activities. Even when I worked full time, I had a hard time keeping track of the date when there were holidays mid week. But today I know that it is Friday and the sun is shining!
Depression sucks in so many ways. It sucks the life out of me including happiness, motivation, and words. I don't want to talk to anyone and if I do, I sound as if I'm stoned (which I am not). It has always been this way with me during a depression: empty, grey days but then as I move into the early evening, I feel a little better. I am thankful though, that at my age, I know that this will pass. It make take a few weeks but eventually I will be alright. At the age of 62, I know what I need to do get through it. One of the hardest things about my job was working with students who were experiencing depression. Medication can help as well as exercise and a better diet but there is no waiting around for the depression to spontaneously lift - at least not there wasn't for me. I found that I needed to be an active participant at some level in order to break the pattern. I didn't know that the first time when I was diagnosed.
Another thing I've noticed lately - could be my age, could be what I've learned from talking to other people - is that I get irritated more easily. The irritation is part of being depressed to a certain extent but when I've been annoyed in the past, I would mainly just retreat completely from life. Now, I can identify the source of my irritation and while I do not like to confront people, I have no problem standing up for myself. Years and years and years of feeling stupid, worthless, bad. . . . . I know that I am none of those things. It has taken seeing someone else being gaslighted (gaslit?), to see that just because someone else tells me that I'm wrong every single day in covert ways, it doesn't mean that I am always wrong. Yes - sometimes I am wrong but many times I am not. I don't have to put up with someone ghosting me, someone ridiculing me, someone trying to manipulate me.
2024 was a good year for me in many ways. My part time gig in the community has introduced me to many many nice folks who are my neighbors. Had I not taken this job, I never would have met any of them. I've made some good friends and it is truly nice to run into neighbors at local events. 2024 was a year of learning for me and I'm hoping to learn even more in 2025.
