Falling.....

I hope not. But I'm beginning to feel~or should I say~not feel. Not feel. Years ago I was treated for depression. I had divorced, lost my home, was recovering from an illness, moved away from my family with my two children - all within 6 months. It was too much. And I lost all of my feelings. I didn't realize it however, until I saw the ocean for the first time. And had no feelings in response to it! I wasn't amazed. I wasn't awed. Nothing. I sat there staring at this sight I had dreamed about for so long - this long expanse of water and beach and the sunset and felt nothing.

But writing this, I am feeling. Sad. And sad is ok because it is a feeling. I should have expected this due to the move in my office. I love change but sometimes it affects me negatively for a while. And I need to deal with it. I may want to feel happy and I will, again. I feel pounded down. I feel like everyone wants something from me. I feel that there are things I need to do and don't know how to do them.

I feel like crying. I'm thinking awful things. Awful 'what-if' things. I've lost the time to sit quietly and read. I no longer make quilts. I want to make baskets but don't. I need to get back to me. I need to just do this.

The 4th of July at One Old Goat Farm

The 4th of July at One Old Goat Farm was pretty low key. Low key, but fun! For the past several years, we've had a family badmitten tournament. All the kids are part of it~from youngest to oldest (me)~but this year was different. My oldest son Ryan had to work and wasn't able to participate. This year was also different because it was the first year in ages that my husband didn't have to work. Which is good thing, but also a bad thing. Not having to work 12 hours on 4th of July means that the bean harvest isn't as good as it has been in years past. But he was able to be part of the annual badmitten tourney for the first time. He l-o-s-t! Really though, we all win. How the tournament works is, everyone play everyone else. Each team can drop the birdy 3 times and the team who has batted the birdy back and forth the most times, wins. For the final round, we let Sebastian, my lab with a taste for badmitten birdies, participate. This adds a whole new twist to the game.

Gangsta Dog

With no TV and a day of rain, the kids must come up with their own fun. One of their favorite things to do is to take pictures and dress up the animals.

Thus, Gangsta Dog aka Tipper

Just a quick picture post.....

Thanks to Kelee from the Kadillacshack www.katillacshack.com. She has organized a great effort via Design Gives Back http://www.keleekatillac.com/design-gives-back.php

For the huge group effort of animal-loving bloggers decorating scarves, the sponsor of the program will donate $2000 to help pets that are affected by foreclosure and/or repossession. Please go to Kelee and click on Design Gives Back to read about all the awesome efforts.

Age of Perspective (or is it perspective of age?)

I'm fortunate to work at a University which has one of the largest if not the largest alumni base in the country. Apparently Wednesday is the day that these not so recent graduates return to campus to get together for coffee and to reminisce about the good old days.

I often am behind them in line at my favorite coffee shop on campus and this past Wednesday, learned a valuable lesson. As I waited in line, I watched the people in front of me: an elderly gentleman, bent over, white hair shuffling to the counter wearing the college colors from head to toe. In front of him were two old ladies, also white haired and also shuffling around-one with a walker- and also dressed head to toe in the college colors. I was thinking to myself how wonderful it was for these old people to have some way to reconnect with their college pasts. I was thinking of these people, these past college graduates in terms of their age and indicators of age. Not as a former teacher or engineer or physician and certainly not thinking of them as former cheerleaders, basketball players, or students. I was thinking that they were old. Period. That is how I identified them.

How sad. Because . . . . I was watching them, I heard the old man call to the old ladies, "hey, do you girls need any help?" And it occurred to me, that this man likely did not think of himself as an old man. He was just a guy and his lady friends who were around his age (I'm assuming) were just girls. And how wrong I was for thinking of these people, these fellow graduates, these fellow previous students, in terms of age! Now I know that the new students think of me as old. And someone in their 60s or 70s may think of me as young. So who is right? I feel, well, I don't know. I don't feel 'an age'. I don't want to be thought of as a 40 something. So what right do I have, to think of anyone else in terms of their age.

So I've decided that one of things I'm doing for myself is to start thinking of people as people and to not take it upon myself to place anyone in a category just because they are a certain age. Or race. Or gender.

We all are~regardless where we are in life's journey~just humans.

A fleeting memory.....

Did you ever have a moment that just sparked a memory from long ago? A few minutes ago walking across campus with the sun shining through the trees and a frisky little breeze, I was reminded of time long, long ago. The same kind of day but I must have been only 5 or 6 years old. We lived in a farmhouse on top of a hill in a very rural part of Pennsylvania. There were cornfields all around and even in this part of June, the wind would bend the short little stalks as it blew through. All at once today, I was hit with the memory of sitting in our tire swing which hung from a huge oak tree in our backyard at the top of the hill. From this point, I could see all of the old farms: the Kinears, the Baughmans. This was back when farming was still a sustainable field and the sound of farm equipment was heard every day. This memory brought me back to a moment of leaning far, far back on the swing and rocking back and forth. No sounds. Well, there probably were birds and cars but I can only remember the breeze. I also have a memory of a feeling too. For that instant today when I was hit with this memory, I felt utterly happy and safe, without a worry in the world. Even as I write this, I knew my mom was in the house--probably in the kitchen. My dad was at work. And I was in the backyard swinging on our tire swing and feeling loved.

Watching and waiting

In lieu of some photos of our hatching eggs which turned out foggy and blurry, I thought I would post some other beautiful photos.
The due date for the hatching of our chicks was thought to be tomorrow.......however, this morning when I checked, we heard peeping and 3 of the eggs had little chips out of them. This is our first foray into the world of chick growing! And we all are very excited!

We also have 6 silkie eggs that are due on June 30. I just had a report from my daughter that when she was checking on them, she cheeped and then one of the eggs started jiggling.

How exciting!