Sunday, December 22, 2013
It is amazing to me how I allow myself to feel like an outsider. I am an outsider. I'm odd. I definitely don't fit in with most people. But geez......in church? I play the piano. I'm not good at it but in a pinch, if I mess up, I'm able to pick out a recognizable tune with one finger. Enough so that every one can keep singing because for some reason, even when I have my foot on the damper, you can oftn hear the piano over the organ.
It is true that sometimes I sit a little off on the bench and my fingers don't exactly line up where I am accustomed to them being and as a result, hit the wrong notes. Because I can't see from the book to the keys, I play by feel. My son and his buddy sit very, very close to where the piano is. AndI can hear them laughing. It is like my worst nightmare come true. Flashback to nearly 40 years ago when I totally messed up playing the piano for a Christmas concert at our church and the humiliation I've felt ever since. People don't think that it hurts when they laugh but it does. I can't laugh it off. I can't shrug it off. I feel like a failure. Just because I'm an adult and should know better, I can't really make myself not let it bother me. And it does bother me, which compounds my nervousness for the next time I have to play.
And then I remember the time that I laughed at a friend who sang in front of our church. I was 16 at the time. And she was incredibly off key. And I laughed to myself but thank goodness I got up and left before anyone else could have guessed that I was laughing. So I guess I deserve it. But thinking back, I was really nervous for her. I was mortified that someone else was going to notice which really made me laugh. I think she was incredibly brave for offering that part of herself.
So I'm a little bit sensitive. But it hurts. I don't want to be seen as someone who can't hit a right note. Because at home I am able to play the piano.