Frozen

Frozen is how I wish my emotions could be described.  Unfortunately, they are not.  Before I had kids, I detested those people who allowed their children to define them.  Well here I am.  After 4 weeks of having my youngest son and my middle daughter here, I am alone once again. I've had 4 weeks of having someone to talk to, having someone to eat with, having someone to just sit with.......and I am feeling damn lonely right now. I'll get over it. Probably by tomorrow I'll be used to the quiet again. And as the dogs are all barking their fool heads off over nothing, I use the word 'quiet' loosely. 

I really hate the feeling of saying goodbye. Before you feel too sorry for me, I could see 1 of my kids within about 20 minutes, 2 of them within an hour.  But my house, except for the dogs, is so quiet.  I've read about how time flies by so quickly and it is true.  It really does feel like yesterday when all 5 of my babies were just, well, babies.  When I was their whole world, when they needed me.  And now I'm what? A safe haven? Someone to hug them? Someone to ask them if they would check the wood stove?

The truth is, my kids - even those who are still in school - are perfectly able to take care of themselves. They are perfectly capable of reaching out to me - or not - for help, for a shoulder to cry on, or just to talk.  This is how it is supposed be. This is right. But holy crap! I miss them.

So what do I do? I cuddle my puppies, I get fat by baking and baking and baking, I take solace in the fact that I can still provide some guidance to students at work, and I take advantage of any opportunity to interact with other young adults who are away from their families and may be also feeling the same type of homesickness that I feel.

I became one of those women who allowed her children to define herself. And I am so proud of that.