Falling.....

I hope not. But I'm beginning to feel~or should I say~not feel. Not feel. Years ago I was treated for depression. I had divorced, lost my home, was recovering from an illness, moved away from my family with my two children - all within 6 months. It was too much. And I lost all of my feelings. I didn't realize it however, until I saw the ocean for the first time. And had no feelings in response to it! I wasn't amazed. I wasn't awed. Nothing. I sat there staring at this sight I had dreamed about for so long - this long expanse of water and beach and the sunset and felt nothing.

But writing this, I am feeling. Sad. And sad is ok because it is a feeling. I should have expected this due to the move in my office. I love change but sometimes it affects me negatively for a while. And I need to deal with it. I may want to feel happy and I will, again. I feel pounded down. I feel like everyone wants something from me. I feel that there are things I need to do and don't know how to do them.

I feel like crying. I'm thinking awful things. Awful 'what-if' things. I've lost the time to sit quietly and read. I no longer make quilts. I want to make baskets but don't. I need to get back to me. I need to just do this.