Thursday, November 12, 2009

I ain't what I ain't......



and I sure ain't a supervisor! I can be a leader but I can't, and don't want to be, a supervisor. Over the past several months, my faith in humankind has taken a nosedive. I've learned that there are people you cannot trust, I've done some things-been asked to do some things-that border on the side of morality. In the name of a job. I've learned over the past several months that are some people who delight in the pain and the misfortune of others. I've learned that my beliefs that humans are inherently good are totally wrong. I've gone from loving to work with people to trying to figure out ways to work with animals: at least animals are upfront and honest.

I've been dancing on the precipice of depression. No feeling. None. I'm stunned. Little things irritate me - and I've no interest in things like running and sewing and baking and laughing.
For years, my job of working with students has uplifted me. In times of personal turmoil, my job has kept me sane. There is nothing there for me anymore. In a desperate attempt to find 'me' again, I made myself run again despite an irritated heel--at least I can self-identify as a runner and find some semblance of who I've been.

I don't know where I am. I don't know where I fit. Holy shit.....isn't nearly 50 too old to be looking?

2 comments:

ElderberryWine4u said...

Just put one foot in front of the other and keep on moving. I was depressed for over 20 years believing I was doing something wrong because I couldn't please the people around me. Then, when I was 50 it finally dawned on me that there was nothing wrong with ME -- it was the other guy's problem! If you are into alternative medicine like homeopathy, you might try either some Sepia or Phytolacca remedies; sounds like one of those might help. Hang in there!

Darlene said...

Stopped in by way of Suzanne's.

Your site is lovely. As for today's post, there's nothing I can say to make it better except so many of us have been there and there are some that are in the midst of it.

Your priorities are right on...try not to lose sight of that.

From soneone you do not know I send you love and hugs.