Monday, June 29, 2015

What I am.

So while doing a little spring clearing out of my desk this morning, I found a collection of photos of my kids throughout the years. Looking at pictures of all five of my kids from years ago, makes me more than a little nostalgic. All of those Hallmark cards are right. The little things are the big things – I know that now. Babies grow up in the blink of an eye – I didn’t believe it when I was dealing with dirty diapers and crying and spitup, but it is true.  I miss every last bit of it. Nonetheless, I am trying so hard to be forward looking, full of happiness and anticipation of what my daughters’ and sons’ futures hold.  I know that I have done many things right as a mother.  But why am I constantly remembering all of the things I didn’t do?  While my two oldest were growing up, I was attending college and working.  And I thought I was being so noble because I was gaining an education.  What a waste! A better use of my time would have been being satisfied with all the opportunities I had without those degrees and simply spent time with my kids.  Education is great. But there are so many ways to be educated and not all require attending a school, completing assignments, and being graded.  


What I love to do is sew and work with my garden and animals.  I’m better at those things than I am at anything else. How ironic that I can’t get any better at it because I’m too busy working a job that although I love, anyone else could do just as well.  And where did I learn to sew? And where did I learn about gardening and animals?  I learned to sew from my grandmother – for free.  I learned about gardening and animals by trial and error and through books – also free (more or less).  I’ll be paying off my student loans forever.  And will never be able to leave my job because of that.  So in summary (in case I wasn’t feeling crappy enough about this), I sacrificed my time with my kids to pursue an education in a field for which I’m not well-suited which takes time away from who and what I love and to top it all off, I’m paying dearly for it.  The American dream.  Blah.

BUT. Unlike so many people in the world, I had the choice. I made choices that at the time I thought were the right choices but in retrospect, can see that I should have thought things through a little more.  Even now, I have a choice.  We always have choices. But what we don’t have is a crystal ball to see how the consequences of those choices pan out.  Ugh. I need a nap.

1 comment:

Snowbrush said...

Well, at least I missed the student loans, mostly by going to cheap schools and living at home. Later came a scholarship, so I left without owing a penny. My main regret is that I didn't appreciate school nearly enough, and went through it without having a clue what I wanted to do with my life. I think that these things were both my fault and my schools' fault. As long as I paid my tuition, they really didn't care about me as a person.

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