I’ve learned a lot - that becoming a Christian – at least for me – is not a single aha moment. I mean it was kind of like an epiphany in that during a random moment at a Bible Study, I realized that what I was looking for had been there all along. And that realization has really given me tremendous direction in my life.
But still– I have nearly fifty years of being me and it's not been good. I am a grouch, can't hold a conversation to save my life, feel more comfortable in the company of animals to that of humans (usually), and when I do try to converse or otherwise fit in, would do much better to sit back and keep silent. As I am sliding from merely being an irritable, socially-inept loner into the more whimsical label of being just an eccentric curmudgeon, I’ve realized that I don’t really want to be like that so much. I'll be silent but with a smile on my face.
I suspect that my gift lies more with what I can do rather than what I can say and that the master plan was never for me to be in any role that puts much attention on me. But you never know. Our pastor said something a few weeks ago that has been on my mind. He said that when we open ourselves to what the Lord wants, something wonderful and unexpected can happen. That sounds really good to me. I’m always up for a challenge and I wait patiently for what my role on earth is meant to be. I just really hope that I know it, when He tells me. I've been told that it could be years before I know.
But I feel as if I am flying blind and am not sure what I am doing. I'm confident that I will figure it out. I'm buying a bible that will help me understand and that includes Cliffnotes of sort that are meant (I think) to help those of us starting from scratch. But I feel as if I can't change me or that I shouldn't change me. I wouldn't know how to begin to morph into a social butterfly - or even just a social caterpillar. But if I'm asked to change, I will.
I was really naive to think that simply by accepting God that the Christian road was wide open and easily navigated. I've found that instead, the Christian life is a journey. It looks as if it is going to be very interesting and very rewarding. I just really wish that there was a map.
But I'll get there.
1 comment:
"I just really wish that there was a map."
I always felt that God could be a great deal more explicit. If nothing else it would keep Christians from standing on opposite sides of many issues. But, come to think of it, a united Christendom might be scarier to non-Christians than a divided one (just look at the Inquisition).
This is certainly one of the more honest posts I've read, yet I believe that your image of yourself as a loner is common. I don't see myself in quite those terms, although I often wish that the people in my life were a bit more interesting, i.e. I'm okay, but everyone else has a problem.
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