Sunday, July 8, 2012

Where is He?

So last year I wrote about embarking on the path of Christianity.  A path I've always tried to follow.  But how do I connect the head and the heart?  I feel as if I am full of nothing.  Nothing!  I still haven't cried about my dad's death. Which is crazy because I can't describe even closely how much I love him (and my mom).

I'm relatively intelligent.  I've a graduate degree in counseling.  But it is all words.  All of it: the right thing to say, the right emotion to show.  I'm not feeling it.

I want to grieve my dad's death. Oh, how I love him!  I want to sob and sob and sob for him.  I feel like a shit because I held his arm down for an IV when he didn't want the IV.  And I'll never forgive myself for that.  I thought I was helping.

I want to feel the connection between Christ and me: not the way others think I should feel, not from the perspective how others have witnessed Christianity from other humans but the way I feel about it.  Which is SO hard to explain and I know I sound crazy.

So how do I react? I break myself down and down and down until all that is left of me is the absolute minimum - the real me.  When my mind and body are not strong enough to avoid the fear and pain, then maybe I can deal with it.

I was really, really sick once. About 23 years ago.  Sore throat, headache, body aches - the kind the lasted over a week.  I was so sick that I didn't go to my daughter's  school concert and trust me, I have to be at death's door to miss anything like that. At that time I felt the most vulnerable and that my body and mind weren't there to protect me from my feelings.  I think this is where I need to go.  It is my purpose of two marathons in a month.  I need to beat myself down until I deal with my dad's death and until I hear God. 

I know He is there.  But I don't know how to find him.

4 comments:

Carrie P. said...

thanks so much for stopping my blog during the RWB block hop. thanks so much for you kind comments. I love to hear stories about your little "hic town" saluting the flag. It makes me smile.
I read this post today. I am a Christ follower, have been since 1977. My life has had its up and downs. Can I just be honest with you? I think you are trying to hard. Jesus is right there. Sometimes we think we need to do so much to hear from God. Maybe you just need to stop and get in a quiet place for what you need. Call on Jesus. Don't call on Him with any pre-conceived ideas, be a blank slate. I hope I am not out of line and I have said a prayer for you.

StitchinByTheLake said...

My heart hurts for you. I nursed both my parents for a year prior to their deaths and 7 years later I still occasionally feel guilty about the morphine we gave mother. She fought it even though she was in a coma...but she also moaned with pain when we didn't give it to her. I think we always second guess our actions when it comes to taking care of loved ones. We do the best we can at the time and pray it's right. And even though we don't always feel Him, God is there right beside us. We don't feel the oxygen we breathe but it's there...God is like that. You're beating yourself up when that's the last thing Christ would want you to do - He took a beating so you wouldn't have to. Rest, breathe....breathe some more. Those feelings will come in time. Patience is difficult to practice when you're feeling like you are, but it's the only way. I've lifted you up today asking God to give you peace and grace - peace to soothe your soul and grace to get you through this time. blessings, marlene

Linda said...

I stopped over to read your blog after your comment on my Red, White, and Blue hop. Now that I read what the others wrote, it is the same that I would tell you. As Carrie mentioned, sometimes we need to sit back and allow Him to reach into us. Faith is difficult because it is not something we can touch or feel. As the old song says:
"Faith is just believing what God
says He will do;
He will never fail us;
His promises are true.
If we but receive Him,
His children we become;
Faith is just believing this
wondrous thing is done."
Praying for you.

Snowbrush said...

Two marathons in a month! I just feel like I would be at the top of the world if I could do that. I used to love to run, and now I don't dare run fifty feet.

"I held his arm down for an IV when he didn't want the IV. And I'll never forgive myself for that. I thought I was helping."

My wife, Peggy, is a nurse, and back when she became a nurse, if an elderly patient objected to a treatment, they gave it to him anyway. It didn't feel right to her, but she was told that old people have to be treated like children and that, after all, it was for their own good. I've no doubt but what she would still flinch if you reminded of some of the things she did in the name of "helping," but she did finally start refusing. After all, it's illegal to force treatment on someone unless his or her right to choose has been given to someone else by a court.

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