Thursday, June 3, 2010

Hanging up my hat

The final straw.
One morning last week, I woke up to find several of my baby maple trees chewed up, my struggling blueberry bushes gnawed, and all three of the goats running across the valley. After nearly breaking my ribs fixing their fence on Sunday and scaring my neighbors in my pajamas that morning, I’ve decided that my goats would be happier on a farm with 10 foot high fences and acres and acres and acres to roam.

I am hanging up my goat herder hat and focusing on my chickens, horse, dogs, and garden.

So it is done. They are gone. Why is it when you no longer have something, you only remember the good times and the dreams??? It didn’t help that the goats were whisked away in the dark of night (11:00 pm) or that I could only see their silhouettes with their heads hung low as if they were being led to the goat gallows or that I could hear goats cries (which turned out not to be my goats but goats that were already in the truck) and it certainly didn’t help that I had had a few beers.

But I bawled like a baby. It seems as if this farming business has been so entrenched in gut wrenching pain. From the death of our baby llama Sunflower and of Houdini the goat, to the complete and utter frustration of dealing with Bucky the Buck and now my voluntary surrendering of my remaining three goats, it has been painful.

I remember though, that I have my chickens and horses and Dolly Llama. I guess it is just goat-y separation anxiety. I tend to get very close to the few things I let into my world and then I am devastated when they leave. That’s why I don’t make friends. Everyone leaves.

But sometimes the things you love come back.

In my herb garden, I found last year's basil and sage thriving. And every year, I’m surprised by tomato ‘volunteers’ from the previous year. And my lavender have never let me down nor have my coneflowers.

You'd think that pushing 50, I would have this all under control. But I still am uncomfortably (horribly so) with people. It seems that all at once, everyone I love dies. This affects everyone - no one can escape the pain of losing loved ones. But it seems as if I have always been stuck on it. Avoiding becoming close to some very kind people, because I'm afraid they will leave me.

But I need to focus on what comes back.

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