I seem to focus on endings. And in doing so, I open myself to unnecessary pain. Pain that stabs my heart. That makes me want to run. That makes me want cry and hide and not develop ties ever again to another being.
My daughter and her son are moving. Only 150 or so miles away. Near my parents. But I've been in a funk lately and I'm pretty sure that the changes are why.
I've always been this way - not letting anyone get close. Everyone leaves. But all that I could think of as I pulled away from my daughter's apartment for the last time today was, I'm going to miss them and it hurts like hell.
After my grandson was born, my daughter never, ever dated or went out or anything. Our relationship was extremely close. When we did things over the weekend, it was with her and her son. I remember silly things like sitting on her back porch watching fireflies. Walking to Dunkin' Donuts in the morning. Hearing her stories about the mice that managed their way into her impeccably kept apartment. I will miss those times. Going trick-or-treating in their neighborhood. Going to the farmer's market. Geocaching in the cemeteries.
I never thought she would start dating someone. I never thought they would leave me.
I left my mom and now that I've experienced the joy of having an adult daughter and a grandson, I understand my mom's pain. But why must I focus on the pain? There are so many happy times. I'm happy right now in this moment for Pete's sake. The fan is blowing on me, I hear birds, my youngest daughter is sitting behind me looking for a good brownie recipe.
But perhaps experiencing the pain of life's changes is a way of seeing the good in a new perspective. I don't know. I'm turning off yesterday's mind now. I'm focusing on the good times ahead. For a bit. But mainly, I'm going to enjoy right now.