Monday, May 18, 2009

Falling down . . .

I just need to keep remembering to look up . . . My dad always - and I imagine still does - find solace in nature. It is the first place I want to be when I need to lick my wounds. I thought that being turned out for the job could be dealt with through an intensive 'dealing with disappointment' day of running, allowing myself to cry, and pouting. But it is now 4 days later and I still feel a weight in my chest. I'm still stuck with the feeling that I've missed my last chance to ever move ahead. Why can't I get past this? I is my job, not my life! Why has it suddenly become important to me that others don't view me as competent? I've always loved my job because of the energy that young college students exude. I pick up on that energy and their enthusiasm. I love being awashed in their convictions that they can change the world. I can empathize with the parents leaving their babies for the first time. And I love the feeling that I can be here to help. There truly is no place as energizing as a college campus. And I love this one.

Maybe it's not just the loss of the dream - that wasn't really a dream until I decided I could do it. Maybe it is all the other uncertainty in my life. Maybe it is knowing that my husband does not love me anymore. Maybe it is that my parents are starting to experience health problems. It is not my kids - they are great and I love everything about them, everything about being with them.

Maybe it's because of the low I've allowed myself to reach financially. I'm slowly working my way to paying things off but I still have creditors calling me. I don't borrow money anymore - I've learned my lesson. But my credit is trashed so if I had to borrow money, I couldn't. I'm a procrastinator and I don't like to deal with negativity so I don't talk to my creditors which is wrong. Fortunately I never had much credit card debt so I'm only paying on mortgage and some back debts.

Maybe I'm simply allowing myself to feel blue. But it scares me that I don't want to get out of bed and that I actually dreaded coming to work today for the first time in years. I want to just go somewhere no one can find me. And be quiet.

But for right now I will deal with it by putting on my running shoes and going for a run.

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