Sunday, March 10, 2013

Thoughts.

Another good day.  In my mind anyway.  It is hard to believe that this is the first spring without my dad.  In years past, a huge topic of conversation with my dad and mom has been how many days until spring.  It is still a conversation with my mom, but my dad was a little more optimistic (sorry mom!).  Over the past few months I've thought about how one person touches a life in ways that can't even be imagined.  Obviously my dad had a huge impact on my life.  Not just because he was my dad.  I've a lot in common with my mom - our temperaments are the same but I think in my heart of hearts, I am my dad's girl.  I remember how during family gatherings, my dad would slink away under the guise of work to do, contracts to write.  I understood him in way that no one else could.  How do you explain being an introvert to a group of extroverts? How do you explain social anxiety to someone who has never experienced it?  When your world starts spinning from all the conversations and sounds and there is nothing you can do to stop it, it has hard to seem to others, as if you are being an ass.  I love my family.  Very, very much.  But my brain simply is not equipped to handle a myriad of noise from all directions.  I avoid malls, parades, crowds of all kinds....simply because the noise causes my brain to seize up and I feel as if I will pass out.  And the words don't come out.  It is crazy.  I would love nothing better than to be able to sit back and enjoy people conversing around me even if I don't participate.  But it is hard because I can't turn off my mind when there is so much stimulation.  It is like being in the center of a pinball game.  I think this is why I love animals so much.  Their expectations are only to be fed, petted,ear scratches and treats.  They don't take my silence for anything but what it is.

And I'm a counselor.  Go figure.

2 comments:

QUILTING IS BLISSFUL, DI said...

Don't fear==I have the same problem -now that I am older--and my Dad was really bad about noise when we all used to get together with the whole family--but I am glad we had those get to together them--cause both of my parents are gone now and all the family--even my two kids are all long distance==so no more holiday get togethers--but I do like the quiet--so???
I also hate malls, restaurants with lots of kid noises, on and on--
so you have some 'company' with you in this issue!!!
Have a great farm day--
hugs, di and miss gracie

RobynFromSimplyme said...

I completely understand what you're saying.. I am the same way. I've had social anxiety for many many years and while it has gotten a whole lot better than it was, before I couldn't even leave my home..Like you I just get overwhelmed by all the noise so quickly.. Feeling like your brain is in the middle of a pin ball game is an excellent way to put it.. Im sorry about the loss of your dad.. I lost my dad when I was 9 so it was always me an my mom. When she passed on in 1999 at age 56, I was lost, for many years.. In some ways I still am.. She was my other half..
Hang in there,
Robyn