Thoughts.

Another good day.  In my mind anyway.  It is hard to believe that this is the first spring without my dad.  In years past, a huge topic of conversation with my dad and mom has been how many days until spring.  It is still a conversation with my mom, but my dad was a little more optimistic (sorry mom!).  Over the past few months I've thought about how one person touches a life in ways that can't even be imagined.  Obviously my dad had a huge impact on my life.  Not just because he was my dad.  I've a lot in common with my mom - our temperaments are the same but I think in my heart of hearts, I am my dad's girl.  I remember how during family gatherings, my dad would slink away under the guise of work to do, contracts to write.  I understood him in way that no one else could.  How do you explain being an introvert to a group of extroverts? How do you explain social anxiety to someone who has never experienced it?  When your world starts spinning from all the conversations and sounds and there is nothing you can do to stop it, it has hard to seem to others, as if you are being an ass.  I love my family.  Very, very much.  But my brain simply is not equipped to handle a myriad of noise from all directions.  I avoid malls, parades, crowds of all kinds....simply because the noise causes my brain to seize up and I feel as if I will pass out.  And the words don't come out.  It is crazy.  I would love nothing better than to be able to sit back and enjoy people conversing around me even if I don't participate.  But it is hard because I can't turn off my mind when there is so much stimulation.  It is like being in the center of a pinball game.  I think this is why I love animals so much.  Their expectations are only to be fed, petted,ear scratches and treats.  They don't take my silence for anything but what it is.

And I'm a counselor.  Go figure.