Friday, November 30, 2012


I actually wrote this a couple days ago and put it aside to think about it and to decide if it was how I really felt.

I really admire people with strong faith.  I'm really struggling with this.  I'm not sure why I find it so hard to believe in things......perhaps because I've been proven wrong time and time again. In 50 years I've learned that evil sometimes overcomes good, that people (including myself) don't keep promises, that some wounds fester and hurt for all time.  I could be hated for asking this but how can I believe in what I don't see or feel or hear? I hate that - how do you learn to have faith and how do you have it one day and not another?  I try to think of the things that I don't worry about, that I have faith enough that I don't even have to think about them. I don't think there is a whole lot of stuff that I have faith in.  For a little while, there was a strong flapping of faith and over time it's gone from a little flutter, to a hard, cold stone in my chest.  I think when my dad died, a lot of me went with him.  I believed that he would always be there and now he is not. 
I really hope that this is a temporary thing - I suspect it is just a reaction to losing my dad.  I really want to have faith and to believe but some days I just feel alone.  Christmas is a bad time to lose faith.  
I don't feel like this so much right now.  Sometimes it takes connecting with the right person and/or hearing a different perspective. Right now so much is changing in my life.  My oldest son is so far away and he has always been my ground.  Things always felt right after catching up with him once every week or so.  He's an even kind of guy and I always know what to expect from him.  After spending time with him, things always go back to being right.  But he's not here anymore.  My oldest daughter is too much like me.  She changes with the wind......just like me.  My other kids are pulling away and becoming their own person so in retrospect its no wonder that I feel alone.  Things aren't the same anymore and while it is's also a bit disconcerting.

So on I'll go......getting used to life as it is right now and allowing myself to be flexible enough to accept the changes that are inevitable.

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